I've had self esteem issues, since i was a young'n, partly because alot of my adolescent life was spent without my mother, she was away here in the states and i was back home...I lived with an aunt who wasn't really my aunt but my mom's close friend...(jamaicans call anyone whose really close to any parental unit aunty)....She had 2 children a boy and a girl, and since i was the outsider i felt like lil Ms Cinderalla at times the outcast, alone and teased. The names would never end...i was specifically teased for having a BIG head I was told my head was bigger than my body...what the hell does that mean?...but whatever...big lip girl, all types of nonsense, and HATE....
Now all this HATE did was have me hate myself, not others but me...i hated my lips...i hated my body i hated ME....there was no mommy to hug me and make me all better and tell me I'm beautiful...Maybe that's where i feel i have some resentment...but that's another topic.
I remember walking around sucking in my bottom lip so they wouldn't look as big....masking almost any body part i felt wasn't worthy of someones love or worthy of a kind word.
Moving here didn't make it better...people aren't aware of others feelings and what others have gone through and i remember the term DSL (Dick Sucking Lips) being used alot in my highschool...I lacked self confidence...I lacked love of self....I was and am still sometimes always weary of people's opinion of me, because thats the type of environment I'm used to...I admire a big girl with self confidence and i admire people who can dress tacky and miss matched and rock it like its the best thing ever, because they have confidence...I admire confidence because i lack it..As I've stated in my Here's to Hair blog the only thing i remember really loving was my hair...and the fact that I was smart...My happiness honeslty lied in the A's i brought home...
This is by no means a way to have anyone feel sorry for me...I'm growing out of that..its a process...I'm learning to love me...learning to love what God gave me...it's just a testimony to say that HATE BREEDS HATE..be careful of how you treat others...It's unfortunate but if those people at Virginia Tech had treated that guy better and throughout his lifetime had treated him better...There would be more than a dozen more people still here on earth...we feel better when we glamorize ourselves by belittling others...Even with my personal story Im guilty of it...and i felt the need to write about it and from here on out follow the old saying if you have nothing good to say say nothing at all...
It's crazy in life how we are so different but yet the same. I can relate to this post on so many way from being an outsider to the self hate part. I love this blog its really real. No need to rush everythin in life is a process.
ReplyDelete