Going Somewhere Slow

Some days I wake up with an intense amount of optimism, like I'm so proud of my accomplishments, proud of what I've overcome, proud of the trials I've been through and how much I have made the best of what I have. I know I have far to go, I know I have a lot more to accomplish in order to be where I really want to be in life. This is where I end up feeling down some days. I have anxiety, insomnia, nervousness about my future, and I'm scared to fail.


Some days I wonder if I picked the right major, why did I drop my minor, why did I purchase this car. Why did I do this why did I do that. What will I do when I graduate in May? Will I ever land a job I really want?.. Will I ever be debt free? Will I ever have the relationship that I desire from my father? Will any one but my mother be tremendously proud of me? What will I do on this earth that will bring about change, as well as a change in me. On those days I'm nervous, frantic I start sending out resumes like a crack addict, I start trying to figure out ways that I can sell my car to save money. I do really crazy things because I get sooo nervous about my future, and unsure about myself and the decisions I've made.

Then there are those days that I remember this:
I grew up with a single mom who struggled with me for years, some days we didn't have food, some days all I would eat were dumplings and butter in Jamaica, when all we had in the fridge was flour water in the pipe and butter. I remember how she got conned into a marriage to move to America, then left for dead by the man who supposedly loved her. I remember coming here as an illegal immigrant, ridden with fear from having people find out about my life, and how I probably wouldn't be able to go to college because I didn't have the paperwork or the logistics to do so. I remember visiting my uncle, and getting a visit from my stepmother, and I remember being offered the opportunity to live with them, I jumped at it, thrust into a world unknown to me, leaving friends behind and people I loved with only half a story told, because I was too embarrassed to say I have to stay, because otherwise I have no future. I remember the day I got my green card, yet living in what I felt some days was misery, loneliness and misunderstanding, yearning for my mother's hug, a kind word. I remember how hard I worked in school hoping that I'd make it to a great college, I remember making it to the great college anticipating going there, preparing myself and then being told I couldn't go because my dad couldn't afford it, and it was best I went to a school closer to home. I remember the disappointment and how miserable I felt when I realized this sense of loneliness would not end. I remember deciding I have to go back to New York, I needed my mother, i missed my solace. I remember paying thousands of dollars in tuition by myself, not being able to get a loan because I had no cosigner,I was too young to file for independence, and supposedly my dad made too much money for aide from the FAFSA he had filled out. I remember having to take 1 or 2 classes a semester, because I couldn't afford to take a whole load. I remember cramming in the summer trying to keep up with my friends so that I'd still be able to graduate on time, but not letting anyone know how hard it was for me to do. I remember the day I finally got my NY residence after a year in NY, and finally being able to take the courses full time. I remember how I struggled going to work from 7:30 to 3:30 some semesters, waking up extra early to get to work because I needed to make it to my classes that I needed in order to graduate. I remember taking 16 credits plus a full time job, and crying when I got 3 A-s and 2 A+s, because I had worked my butt off. I remember the day I bought my car, feeling like I had finally accomplished something, bought something, I remember the day I got my promotion and the relief I felt that I'd finally be able to save some money, and help my mom out some more. I also remember the days I mismanaged money and had to get a second credit card in order to pay my tuition and get books. I remember those days that I cried because I knew I couldn't be late in paying my insurance that I got in my own name and was way too expensive by anyone's standards, but barely had the money, trying to keep up a facade that I could no longer get my self out of. I remember the day I regretted that decision. I also remember a day where I realized I needed to wake up and make priorities. I remember the day I cut up both credit cards and vowed to pay them off. I remember every single struggle I've had and where I am today. And although I haven't QUITE or even close to Quite made it. I know with all that I've remembered, and the goals that I've now set for myself, that I wont be the one going nowhere fast. I'll be the one going SOMEWHERE granted it may be a slow process.